Everyone wants me to be something I am not. I am supposed to be more than I am to nearly everyone. Maybe that’s just how things are. Maybe the way I am destroys the things I try to make last. If that is the case though why do I have relationships that hold up? I have lasting relationships with a lot of people. Those people exist in my world and they’re fine with the way I am and they don’t spend much time trying to change me or wishing I was different and I am the same way with them. Maybe they all secretly loathe me, but I kind of doubt it.
There are a lot of different people in the world and they handle things differently. I’m of the belief that those different types of people are actually necessary for the world to function. I’m a passive guy. I don’t feel the need to change people or situations on the spot unless there is obvious immanent harm. When I’ve tried to change people immediately it’s rarely resulted in the change that I wanted or intended and it’s never resulted in me getting something better out of it. When I let time pass though, people typically come around and it’s usually an outcome that seems right. I’ve been a very happy person approaching things this way up until this year. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, but I imagine that’s the case for those that press the issue as well so I have a hard time believing one way is better than the other.
Being passive in nature about things and letting them happen the way they happen feels right to me. I’ve never felt like it was a weakness. Being an alpha requires constant fighting to maintain position and I can’t imagine having a deep sense of happiness by being in constant struggle. People respect people that put others in their place to a point; however, I don’t want to be respected because of that. Maybe I’m wrong though. I wish I had evidence to suggest which way is the best way, but I have examples in my life, even recently, where both methods have had success and failure. I feel like I may get smoked in a few battles, but I win a lot of wars.
When I want someone to change I let them know how their actions affect me and I hope that as time passes they will remember that and take it into account. It works sometimes and it fails sometimes. That’s the way everything is though. I don’t have a clue when it really comes down to it. I’m trying to exist in a way where I am happy and where I make those around me happy. I’m falling on my face right now, but I don’t feel like I’m wrong. I could be more forceful in my interactions but I don’t feel like it will result in me being more happy. I guess time will tell. If my life continues to spiral into this shit hole I am in then obviously I will have to change something; however, I still don’t feel weak and powerless.
Maybe it’s a form of manipulation to gradually feed input into situations and hope that they work out the way you want them to; however, I feel like if people have information, they tend to make good choices as time goes on. I get what I want and they’re empowered because they came to those actions themselves. I don’t feel wrong for being the way I am. Maybe I am though. It’s certainly not working right now. I’m a rambling mess.
