I actually feel nauseated. I haven’t really been single since high school other than a few months in my early 20s. I don’t know if that is a bad thing necessarily unless I do it because I’m running from something or scared of being single. I know that I don’t like being single. I can say definitively that when I am alone and not busy I am inherently sad. I think a lot of the reason I stay so busy all the time is so I don’t have to feel that. Again, I am not sure if that is necessarily a bad thing because it makes me productive. I could sit around and mope and be down, and instead I try to do something that has an output. I think it’s catching up to me though.
The problem now is that right now I am forced to deal with things directly which makes me uncomfortable and in doing that I am destroying something that is very special to me and that certainly has a lot of potential. It started out wrong and has continued down that path and I don’t think it can get on the right path as long as I am in whatever state I am in. I need to be comfortable with real confrontation. I need to be comfortable with feelings. I am a decent arguer and I am pretty good at flipping issues and twisting words so that conversations don’t actually ever veer very close to what the actual issue is. It lets me place blame where it probably doesn’t belong and it gets me of off the hook. I think it’s probably time to be on the hook though.
I need to be alone. I need to face my issues and resolve them before I am going to be able to be good for anyone. I’ve spent that last 6 months feeling guilty about a lot of things. I’ve had some really intense glimmers of brilliance in that time; however, they’re always snuffed out and I think the reason is because, at the core, I am a destructive force right now. I need to be in a place where when the glimmer of brilliance happens I can let it radiate and be what it deserves to be. I need to be more than buttered noodles. They’re only good some of the time.
http://tynan.net/habits
“When life comes into being, it is neither afraid nor desiring, it is just becoming. Then it gets into being, and it begins to be afraid and desiring. When you can get rid of fear and desire and just get back to where you’re becoming, you’ve hit the spot.
“Goethe says godhead is effective in the living and not in the dead, in the becoming and changing, not in what has already become and set fast. So reason is concerned, he states, with striving toward the divine through the becoming and the changing, while intelligence makes use of the set fast, what is knowable, and so to be used for the shaping of life.
“But the goal of your quest for knowledge for yourself is to be found at that burning point in yourself, that becoming thing in yourself, which is innocent of the goods and evils of the world as already become, and therefore desireless and fearless. That is the condition of a warrior going into battle with perfect courage. That is life in movement. That is the essence of the mysticism of war as well as of a plant growing. I think of grass—you know, every two weeks a chap comes out with a lawnmower and cuts it down. Suppose the grass were to say, “Well, for Pete’s sake, what’s the use if you keep getting cut down this way?” Instead, it keeps growing. That’s the sense of the energy of the center. That’s the meaning of the image of the Grail, of the inexhaustible fountain, of the source. The source doesn’t care what happens once it gives into being. It’s the giving and coming into being that counts, and that’s the becoming life point in you.”
Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth