The sum of my flaws equals…?
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Everyone wants me to be something I am not. I am supposed to be more than I am to nearly everyone. Maybe that’s just how things are. Maybe the way I am destroys the things I try to make last. If that is the case though why do I have relationships that hold up? I have lasting relationships with a lot of people. Those people exist in my world and they’re fine with the way I am and they don’t spend much time trying to change me or wishing I was different and I am the same way with them. Maybe they all secretly loathe me, but I kind of doubt it.
There are a lot of different people in the world and they handle things differently. I’m of the belief that those different types of people are actually necessary for the world to function. I’m a passive guy. I don’t feel the need to change people or situations on the spot unless there is obvious immanent harm. When I’ve tried to change people immediately it’s rarely resulted in the change that I wanted or intended and it’s never resulted in me getting something better out of it. When I let time pass though, people typically come around and it’s usually an outcome that seems right. I’ve been a very happy person approaching things this way up until this year. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, but I imagine that’s the case for those that press the issue as well so I have a hard time believing one way is better than the other.
Being passive in nature about things and letting them happen the way they happen feels right to me. I’ve never felt like it was a weakness. Being an alpha requires constant fighting to maintain position and I can’t imagine having a deep sense of happiness by being in constant struggle. People respect people that put others in their place to a point; however, I don’t want to be respected because of that. Maybe I’m wrong though. I wish I had evidence to suggest which way is the best way, but I have examples in my life, even recently, where both methods have had success and failure. I feel like I may get smoked in a few battles, but I win a lot of wars.
When I want someone to change I let them know how their actions affect me and I hope that as time passes they will remember that and take it into account. It works sometimes and it fails sometimes. That’s the way everything is though. I don’t have a clue when it really comes down to it. I’m trying to exist in a way where I am happy and where I make those around me happy. I’m falling on my face right now, but I don’t feel like I’m wrong. I could be more forceful in my interactions but I don’t feel like it will result in me being more happy. I guess time will tell. If my life continues to spiral into this shit hole I am in then obviously I will have to change something; however, I still don’t feel weak and powerless.
Maybe it’s a form of manipulation to gradually feed input into situations and hope that they work out the way you want them to; however, I feel like if people have information, they tend to make good choices as time goes on. I get what I want and they’re empowered because they came to those actions themselves. I don’t feel wrong for being the way I am. Maybe I am though. It’s certainly not working right now. I’m a rambling mess.
Serendipitously, as I was writing this article from my living room, I heard screaming coming from down the street. I looked out to see two of my neighbors yelling at each other. I must have caught the tail-end because the only words I caught were, “you’re a troublemaker” and then a slamming door. Maybe this is why we are afraid to confront. The possibility of a confrontation becoming heated and an ensuing fight. Also, the potential of losing a relationship such as what just happened with my neighbors is frightening.
Some of you might be thinking, “All confrontations are heated or involve fighting.” This makes sense as many of us have experienced negative and hurtful confrontations. I do hope to challenge that belief because I think that confrontation can happen without fights or hurt feelings. Confrontation can be empowering especially if it’s done with respect towards all parties. It’s an opportunity to have others understand your wants and needs. It does not have to be about judgment and blame. I have written many times about how vital expressing yourself is to treating depression and anxiety. And, if you are not used to telling people your thoughts and feelings it can feel like confrontation even though the opposite may be true.
Even the dictionary is confused about the meaning of confrontation. I found five definitions split between a fight and a disagreement. This was my favorite, “a focused comparison; bringing together for a careful comparison.” Simply this means the ability to converse civilly about different points of view. Approaching a conflict with this in mind lends itself to working out the issue rather than choosing sides and fighting.
I know this is easier said than done but maintaining and creating healthy relationships always takes work. And after all, isn’t that a battle worth picking?
http://www.dailystrength.org/experts/julie-cohen/article/confronting-confrontation-why-we-avoid-it
after you die and the gods are doing bolivian cocaine with you and going over the timeline of your life, you’ll see this short period for what it is. but at present, stay rooted in that eternal context of the now. now is where you’re needed.
you’re the smartest person i know and i know some smart motherfuckers. but you’re also wicked brave in your ability to dig in and stick out the long slow fights this existence pitches upon us.
one of my few great gifts is knowing my fellow man. knowing their heads, their hearts, their worth. i see you and i see your strengths, sir. even when you don’t.
i count myself lucky to be your friend, for you are mine and nothing you could ever change would change that. so do your worst.
“fearlessness is better than a faint-heart for any man who puts his nose out of doors. the length of my life and the day of my death were fated long ago.”
the world is full of heroes, my friend. some roaring and bloody. some in the sun, some in the shade. some stoic like oaks. be the one you were meant to be.
you’re already doing a hell of a job.
cheers,
jeff
You’re a smart man, and from what I know of you, you don’t act impulsively. I can only imagine the emotions attached to the issue, and sorting though all that brain slush in search for the concretes below it can be tiresome and time-consuming. Spending that time isn’t cowardly.
We are talking about World of Warcraft, right?